It actually hurts a lot. 100% to the max. I’m pretty much viewed as a crazy maniac, and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve tried to apologize to people a lot, but it only makes it worse.
I think I’ve damaged a lot of relationships because people see me as psychotic, even my good friends. And I am psychotic. But I am doing better now. I don’t have as many episodes ans they aren’t as bad when they do come. But it hurts to know that i lost some great people in my life because my brain flipped the switch too many times.
Why does it feel like I’m constantly trying while everyone else is waiting for me to do the trying, instead of trying themselves. I think this is the fundamental problem with my friendships: everyone sure does treat me good when they don’t have any other options, but when the waves are calm and the sky is sunny, I’m completely fucking ignored. And so my friends will act surprised when they find out I’ve been dead for 5 years because they were too busy with other people to brother looking at me.. but you know what’s worse? If it is me vs. empty space, my friends will choose the empty space. So really, what does “friend” mean anymore? I’m not keeping tabs on it.
You’re like sand. Piece by piece you’re falling out of my hand. Relationships always end, though..